it was in an earlier post of mine "A" for Everything: My Story.. Dawnin @ Dusk dat i did mention how it all began for me. Now is d time i shud tell wat made me give up. After she left our college, lyf was nothin more than a tickin clock for me. Totally meanin less. It was later i got to know dat her father had passed away. Felt real bad. Wishd i cud do somthin, but knew i cudnt a thing. But did go to her place. n dis thing dat i went to her place after her dad passd away, no one knows except me. I kept dis thing to me. I saw her weepin. Cudnt bare that. Came back home. Cried for her. And d next few months passd. Then came to know that she's doin her MBA at a collg in visakhapatnam, which generally is abode to all local MBA aspirants. Thot i'd do well in my entrance exam, n go to her college, once again as her junior. I started preparin, not for my academics but for entrance syllabus. I'm a very lazy sort, n i knw never before in my lyf i'd been dis serious. This entire period i avoided talkin about her anywhere. I did tell all dat i'd felt to my mom, n she did say it's all my fault n i did cause d girl a huge embarrassment. I did feel guilty. but d desire to see her once again and to sit beside her and to talk to her was so intense dat i ignord all dat came across. Finally i ws done wid my entrance exam, i did well. Results were out, n i'd possibly get into her college. But after all dat hard work, i did, i sumwher had started feelin dat i'd be makin her upset again. n dat she 'd b again inconvenient to see me everyday. After all, my past encounter wid her did have a harsh impression on her n she had to deal wid tough times just bcoz o me. So now, was d time when i wantd to tell her all dat i had inside, n i came up wid dis idea of a blog. to my absurd mind came an idea, n i posted a pic of her eyes in dat blog. They were identity revealin n honestly no girl wud lyk her pic to be seen on sun a-hole's blog. She got d blog i d thru a fren of mine. My mistake, i shud'v never made d blog public, but at dat moment just cudnt resist tellin her dat she meant d world to me. And it was dis irresistibility of mine dat made her real upset. She did show her disgust upon me in a scrap she posted on orkut to me. Felt so bad dat i clickd off my orkut account. Thot i'd never show her my face again. But still wantd to say a "Sorry" to her personally. So after a few months i made a call to her. Wid d hello she said, i cud sense d inconsistency being aroused by my call to her. And she was just d same, d coolest as i knew her. Though she did say dt she'd never excuse me for what i did to her, she bid a sweet gud bye, most possibly to avoid being rude. And dat was awesome of her to do so. At least i dint feel lyk killin myself dis time. And since den i made sure dat i'd occupy myself wid somthin, just to make sure dat i'd never again shed a tear for her. N i succeeded. But for dat, d cost was too high to pay. I had lost all my frenz' contacts, i barely had any social lyf. Books and my P.C. were my only company now. I almost lost my self. Dint realyz dis until one day recently, a professor of mine askd me to giv a presentation in class n i was shiverin to speak in front o a class i'd been wid for almost one n a half years by now. I had lost me. It was time i had my problem figured out. I dn realyzed dis whole time wen i ws tryin to run away from her, i ws actually gettin deeper n deeper into her memories of mine. n all dat had now become my obsession. Hell, i knew i was no where near me, i was lost. Had to get my self back. How ?? dint know. So i dint think nythin. Left my hostel, boarded a bus, went to railway station. Went to d ticket counter, took a ticket for kolkata. boarded d train. by next day mornin i ws in kharagpur station. I had nt opend my mouth since past 24 hours. Got down at Kharagpur station, got a ticket back to Visakhapatnam. Came bak to hostel. I dint tell nyone where i was headed to, so all did ask where i had been to. I dint say a word. Stayd calm. Day passed. For d first time ever in lyf, i had not eaten and spoken anything for more than 2 day by now. D silence i had then ws wat i need to think . But i had no thot, no word. I was not here, i was not anywhere. I was in solitude. I was just with me. And dat was exactly what comforted. It felt like home at R.K Beach, at 2.30 am. Just tides of sea and me.
And since dn , i'v been wid me.
